Birds, Bees & Bedtime

Now that I have had a few weeks to recover, I feel prepared to share an unexpected twist with Hayden during his end of the day storytime. Let's start by reminding ourselves that young Hayden is a curious lad and for some time has been tossing out the occasional reproductive and/or anatomical question. Please note that if you embarrass easily, you may want to skip this entry altogether.

Case in point: A year or so ago during bathtime Hayden grew concerned about a small hole in the end of his "equipment". After I denied his request for a bandaid and offered a brief explanation for said opening, he continued exploring and shared that there was something inside a pair of objects also found in that region of his body. This threw me for big old loop and since I lacked a response I covered by asking him what he thought it was.... his reply? LADYBUGS!!! At that point I decided that he could finish his bath solo and I would hover in the hallway frantically scanning the ages and stages sections of any parenting magazine within my reach.

Now lets jump to last summer when a repeated reading of a Sesame Street story on heroes managed to generate curiosity about how babies are born. One page of this story has a Pregnant Muppet and her Baby Daddy dart from a cab to enter the Emergency room of the hospital and have their furry babies. Sir H wanted to know how exactly the baby got out of the Mommy Muppets tummy. Happily my brief explanation that doctors and nurses help the Mommy was accepted by my boy. Remind me to write a thank you note to those Childen's Broadcasters and applaud them for all of the life lessons they help dole out for PBS.

As the summer passed Hayden developed a more specific theory regarding how babies are born. He announced that the babies come out of the Mommy's mouth. Nice. Given the size of a muppet mouth I suppose it is a logical theory for my then four year old to generate. He happened to mention this one at times when I was able to "not hear" due to other household tasks so I decided to let that theory float for a while. I always knew the time for this conversation would arrive but truthfully thought my kiddo would be a bit older when it happened. I felt pretty comfortable giving him a more accurate answer except for my concern that he would not be able to keep the information to himself. After all, preschoolers are not exactly known for their discretion.

And that brings us to a week or so ago when Michael took Hayden to his room for bedtime stories. Hayden asked if I would please come in to see him after I put Bailey down so that we could make up a story together. Once Miss B was tucked in I tiptoed on over and curled up with Hayden to concoct what I hoped would be a short story. Instead he started chatting about internal organs and that lead to where babies grew. Hayden then asked me his current favorite (and rather loaded - if you ask me) question, "Mommy, want to know something?" Of course I want to know something - what Mommy doesn't want to extend bedtime at the end of a long day and shorten her adult swim time in exchange for pearls of preschooler wisdom? Despite my obvious internal attitude problem I said yes and was rewarded with a doozie..."Mommy I remember being in your tummy."

This was of course both unexpected and fascinating and I was unable to repress the need to inquire further. As usual he sucked me into his web of wonder. Hayden divulged that he might not really remember everything but that he did recall it was shiny. Excellent! Now that I was made aware of my incredible internal complexion it was time for some real fun. I mentioned that women have an extra part in their tummies just for babies to grow and explained that it was called a womb. We spelled W-O-M-B and Hayden was quite tickled that there was actually a silent B in the word since he has been a bit fascinated lately with the phonics phenomenon that is known as the silent E. I figured we were good and sidetracked by the logistics of this but boy was I wrong on that front.

He started in on the big question again, "Mommy how does the Baby get out? I think it comes out of the Mommy's mouth." Well now I was stuck, I could in no way pretend that I didn't hear that wayward theory and felt obligated to address it. So I mentioned that is not the way things worked and the little guy of course wanted to know how it worked if his idea was wrong. I was shot down when I replied that most women go to the hospital where the doctors and nurses help the baby. His next leap was to blurt out "Does the doctor slice your tummy open to take the baby out?" Egads!! Wanting to be honest, I acknowledged that sometimes the doctor needs to do that to keep the Mommy and Baby safe. Still he wouldn't give up the pursuit of an answer to his original query asking if that happens some of the time what happens most of the time?

Clearly I had two choices, avoid the issue and leave him even more dedicated to the pursuit of forbidden knowledge or answer his question as simply and directly as possible. I determined to go ahead and put him "in the know" but only after a discussion on the critical privacy of this information. We chatted about how the Berenstain Bears taught us that some questions are only for a Mama or Papa Bear and I attempted to impress upon my lad that this was very much that kind of question. Assuring him that I felt it was just fine for him to know and not bad information I reiterated that he was not to share the information. I tried to be a specific as possible in this respect - especially after he reminded me that he liked to teach Bailey things and that had always been ok. So I pointed out that he could talk to Mommy and Daddy about these questions and began to list all of the categories of people with whom he was not to discuss baby birthing... school friends, neighbors, MOMS Club friends etc...

Not surprisingly this is about the time impatience made an appearance. "Okay, Okay Mommy I get it already. Just point to where the baby comes out!" This outburst was followed by a request to just go get his kids book about the human body so I could show him instead. Good gravy! If only I hadn't come in for a goodnight story...

I reassured my not-so-sleepy-boy that I would indeed answer him it was just important that I know he understood it was private. He agreed to keep the info to himself and in return I told him the truth in very general terms. He was somewhat thunderstruck when presented with the actual truth.

"WOW Mommy, things must have to really stretch for that to work!" (I readily agreed with him.)

"Mommy, is there water involved?" (Holy Toledo! He might actually have some memory of this trip!)

Then we got happily past the labor and delivery details when he wanted to know how big his bones were when he was very first in my tummy. I explained that he started as just a few cells without bones and that he had to grow them himself. What followed was a ridiculous debate over whether he started as cells or molecules. I just don't remember the difference and had to admit this to Hayden along with an offer to look of cells versus molecules the following day. The whole no bones thing really rocked his world. But not enough to avoid additional dicey questions.

Next he hit me with, "Mommy how does the baby get in the Mommy's tummy? Does the Mommy have eggs?" Again he hovers frighteningly close to the truth - but believe me he is not being given that much access to the Discovery Channel. These whoppers were cooked up right in his clever little noggin. I told the persistent young investigator that yes the Mommies have eggs and then attempted to move on. Silly me.

"Mommy - what makes the eggs hatch?" Teehee. Never thought of it in those terms! After a very deep breath, I explained that a Mommy's eggs have half of the ingredients to help a baby grow and that a Daddy's have seed that are also half of the ingredients. Knowing what question would naturally follow I kept talking and shared that if they got together at just the right time in just the right way a baby could grow.

As quickly as I could I gathered my wits about me while mentioning a few lovely things about our day and said I was so sorry that we had run out of time for talking. At long last I planted a goodnight kiss on his inquisitive little forehead and then I fled the scene!